Between Thursday and Friday of this past week the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 450 points, officially taking it into what stockbrokers call ‘Bear Territory’; that is, a drop of 20% or more in a single year.

Do I care?

Not much. Even though the last time I looked, my 401K was losing about 8% annually, I’ve decided that a better way to spend my energy is to focus on things that cheer me up. I spent Friday afternoon making strawberry jam. In an apron. A 1940s collectible full bib apron, a la Ma Kettle.

Yes, it’s true. I am a Domestic Goddess.

So even though I could write a post about how Ford Motor Company stock is at its lowest point since 1955, or how Citigroup is in big trouble again, or how NY writer Tom Wolfe thinks we are witnessing “…the end of Capitalism as we know it,” (this from a guy who dresses like Colonel Sanders and wrote one of the awfullest books ever, made into one of the awfullest movies ever, The Bonfire of the Vanities), or how Chrysler is denying publicly that they are considering bankruptcy (meaning that they almost certainly are considering bankruptcy)–even though I could write that post, I’m not going to do it.

Instead, here are ten much more pleasant things you can do while the American Way of Life collapses around your ears. Then, once the dust settles, we can all talk.

1) Make Jam. I spent $25 on a flat of strawberries, $5 on four boxes of fruit pectin, and $2 on a five pound bag of sugar. I put up 13 two-cup containers of freezer jam, two quart bags of whole strawberries, and made shortcakes to eat with the leftover berries. We’re having them again tonight. I figure I saved between $10 and $15 doing this all myself, which isn’t all that impressive savings-wise, but you haven’t tasted that jam. Yum.

2) Read a Big Book. My partner, the world’s smartest truck driver, is currently reading Truman by David McCullough, a book that is as big as my head and twice as heavy. The book is about Harry Truman, former US President, not Truman Capote or The Truman Show. Harry Truman was so broke when he was a US senator that he had to hire his wife Bess to be his secretary just so they would make enough to cover their basic living expenses, then he spent the rest of his political career worrying that this necessary and pragmatic action would ruin his political integrity. Wow, have times changed or what? (Can anyone spell Oink?)

3) See Pixar’s Latest Flick Wall-E. Pixar is used to effusive praise, but the positive ratings on this one are off the chart. Wall-E is a sad-eyed trash-compacting computer left alone on earth after all human life has disappeared. His only friend is a cockroach. Don’t worry though, Al Gore isn’t in it, and at the end we find out that the human race has survived, just on another planet. The thing is, if you must see an apocalyptic movie this year, shouldn’t it be adorable?

4) Rent ‘Fight Club’. What, you say you were just laid off your cushy broker job at Citigroup and the only cute robot you want to see right now is one you pump so full of lead it ends up looking like an antique sieve run over by an SUV? Fine, I get it, put that now-totally-legal weapon away, will you please? Go directly to the closest video store and rent the film version of Chuck Pahlaniuk’s dark novel about the end of the world as we know it, courtesy of fed-up cubicle slaves. Trust me, it will cheer you up, especially the final scene. Girls: I have two additional recommendations for you regarding this film which make it worth watching all by themselves; Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.

5) Write a Cheap Food Cookbook. Mark my words, with the recent midwest floods destroying corn and soybean crops and a world food crisis already fully under way, in about eight months, somebody in the US is going to make a fortune off a clever book on how to make a tasty casserole for a family of four out of lint. Why shouldn’t that person be you? If you work in the auto or financial industries, you’re going to need the money, so get crackin’! Times a-wastin’.

6) Start Your Own University. College has become unaffordable for most kids and their parents, but there aren’t many jobs for graduates anyway. Instead of whining and crying about this, why not take the bull by the horns and start your own university? You must know how to do something. A degree from a state college currently costs about $50K, so charge 10K a head and then teach kids something useful, like how to covert SUVs into affordable housing. You’ll be doing a community service and you only need 10 students and you’re in six-figure income territory!

7) Help Build SUV-Henge. We know that with big cities strapped for tax income (due to all the foreclosures and all the industries pulling out and moving to China) public parks are hurting. Why not take the current glut of undrive-able SUVs and stack them on end to build a monument to the Sun that can be used at the Summer Solstice to appease whatever Gods are mad at us? (Probably all of them right now.) A majestic Public Works project is usually just the ticket to cheer people up during hard times, and the raw material and free labor is all around you.

8 ) Take a Stay-cation. ‘Staycation’ is a new buzzword for something wonderful I’ve always loved more than anything else in the world: Stay home and do nothing. Right now, I am so behind on doing nothing that even if I do nothing for the rest of my entire life I probably will never catch up. So if you are lucky enough to be too broke to do anything, count your blessings. Look at it this way: at least you don’t have to go to Disneyworld. Those folks are insane. The giant mouse, the dancing princesses, it’s a horror show.

9) Walk Around, Take Photos. Can’t afford to drive? Recently laid off? Take that digital camera and walk around chronicling the end of civilization. Someone really should be doing this, and I am so busy constantly grubbing for money I don’t have time right now. Plus, it’s good for you, all that walking. And dumpster diving is the the new chic way to go, so anything good you see lying by the side of the road, take it home and brag to your friends!

10) Hoard Rice. Come on, I know you want to do it. Sometimes, just being told you aren’t allowed to do something is enough to make that thing the only thing in the world you ever wanted to do. Buy your four 100 pound bag limit at one Sam’s Club, drive to another and buy four more, then back to the one you started at and buy four more, and don’t stop until your entire house is so full of burlap bags of rice you think you are on a Red Cross ship bound for Myanmar.

There. That ought to keep you busy for the next two hundred days or so until Barack Obama is finally President. I don’t know how much he’ll be able to fix by the time the inaugural ball is finally over, but at least the madmen will have gone back to Texas.

Anyone want some jam?