Poor Microsoft. One minute they’re a towering colossus-cyclops striking terror into all rivals with a take-no-prisoners, get-er-done first and get-er-done cheap strategy that blows everyone else right out of the water. A few anti-trust suits and international wrist-slaps later, and suddenly they’ve got upstart ingrates and whippersnapper smart-alecks like Apple and Google kicking them in the shins and laughing all the way to the bank. And as if that all wasn’t humiliating enough, the next thing you know even Yahoo is telling you to go take a long hike off a short motherboard and stuff your billion dollar offers where the sun don’t shine. Well. Excuse us for dominating.

What’s a mega-corporation to do?

How about teaming with PayPal and creative young tech company Jellyfish to offer cash back on purchases made by using the Microsoft Live Search engine instead of stupid-face Google or ingrate-snotnose Yahoo? Customers love cash back, right? And how about souping up the Live Search shopping function with lots of cool extras similar to tickets, prizes, and other swell stuff nerds can already earn just by using Microsoft’s Live Search Club for Gaming? Announce that, get it in front of the public, and pretty soon people will be saying stuff like, “What’s a google?” And, “Does Apple still produce Beatle Albums? Or did you mean Fiona Apple? My mom has an apple tree. Do you have an apple tree?”

So Microsoft announced the new grand plan. Here is what they had to say about it:

On Wednesday, we will be announcing a major new initiative that our search teams have been driving. We are getting better and better with our core algorithmic search, and at the same time, we are investing to differentiate in vertical experiences and to disrupt the current model. You’ll hear more about our plans Wednesday.

Great. I think. I mean, I kind of nodded off there for a minute so I’m guessing what they said is in fact a good idea. I figured I’d go check it out myself, so I went to MSN expecting to learn all about it and maybe buy some stuff and make some cash back too (yay!) but guess what? It seems to not quite be there at all… yet. I guess they aren’t done differentiating to invest in those pesky vertical experiences. Yeah, I know how rough that part is, that vertical experience part. Bastard verticals.

Listen, can we talk for a minute? I mean just you, dear reader, and me, smart-mouthed blogger, just the two of us, mano et mano. I just want to ask you one question:

If you were stranded on a desert island with two nerds and one of them was Bill Gates and the other was one of the Google kids who plays video games while hauling down a zillion dollars a year at their awesome corporate playground, who would you trust to get you off the island if you could only pick one guy to get you off? (So to speak.)

Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’d pick the Google guy too, maybe marry him or something, or at least get a job lead as we coasted safely into home territory. Meanwhile, back on the desert island, I’m guessing Bill would still be trying to get past Vista on his handheld. He might also be back there smashing things with coconuts. Hard to say.

Microsoft knows it is in trouble and knows that it’s heavy-handed bullying approach to mergers and acquisitions isn’t likely to help it against forward-thinking Google and Yahoo, neither of which cry many tears over love lost between themselves and Microsoft. The internet is rapidly evolving into a new entity, one in which the lousy operating platforms designed by Microsoft and shoved down the throats of frustrated PC users are right on the verge of becoming obsolete. Already Google is offering its own online business software and services, and innovative companies are appearing faster than baby shrimp at spawning time. Some are reaching maturity before they can be gobbled up.

Competition can be great for customers when competition is spurring innovation, price declines, better service, new jobs, and new money. If Microsoft can keep up, especially if they can keep up by offering cash back on purchases just for using their search engine, that’s great. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.

If they can’t, oh well. Winning at any cost always works for awhile, but most of the time it quits working right about the time the initial idea gets old. At that point, all the bullying in the world won’t do much except confirm your reputation as a big bully.

I’m waiting. As soon as they work out that vertical whatever, I know I’ll get my email and I’ll be off in a flash to buy a case of black currant tea online, and I’ll buy it on Microsoft Live Search and post my cashback reward right here at PFA. Until then, I’m finishing off my hazelnut coffee bought right here in the real world. I’m ready though. I’m an open-minded kind of blogger.

Stay tuned.