George has gone begging to the Saudis again, “Please sir, can we have another bowl of oil?” And once again, their answer was a semi-polite “I don’t think so.” George was gravely disappointed in his old friends, telling the American people:

“I said very plainly that you’ve got to be concerned about the effect of high oil prices on some of the biggest customers in the world.

“As the (Saudi oil) minister said yesterday, Saudi Arabia has increased the number of barrels of oil by 300,000 a day and they’re increasing refining capacity which is not enough.

“It’s something but it doesn’t solve our problem…Our problem in America gets solved if we expand our refining capacity, promote nuclear energy and continue our strategy for the advancement of alternative energies.”

I hate it when George goes begging to the Saudis. He’s kind of embarrassing even when he’s being arrogant and saying dumb things, but when he’s fawning for oil he’s hard to watch. It’s just painful. He reminds me of that famous tape of Tony Blair fawning over him at some state dinner while he sat there talking with his mouthful and shooing the guy off like he was a housefly, not the the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

I know the White House staff has to be just worn out to the bone after eight years of non-stop damage control. So in the interest of the future of the US economy and to help them out a bit, I’ve compiled a list of Ten Ways Not to Bring Down the Price of Oil. George can either avoid these 10 things and bring down the price of oil, or he can target this things to insure the price keeps climbing.

Just trying to help out.

1. Go Beg from the Saudis. Ick. So lame. What kind of cowboy goes begging for Arab oil? We really should not have to witness this obsequious behavior and listen to tough talk about Iran at the same time, as if we have any bargaining power at all in either case.
2. Bring Democracy to Iraq. As nearly as I can tell, ever since we decided to do this, we haven’t been able to lay our hands on so much as a pint of Iraqi oil. Where is that oil anyway? What good is it to invade an oil-rich country, get accused of doing it so we can seize and use their oil, and then not seize and use any of their oil? We never hear about Iraqi oil anymore.
3. Drill New Wells in Alaska. Haven’t we made things hard enough for polar bears? The real issue though is that any oil we get up there will take the edge of our oil hunger for at best a year or two, and then we’ll be right back where we are now.
4. Stop Sending Oil to the Strategic Reserve. This was one of those unanimous symbolic gestures that George and all of Congress could support precisely because it affects nothing and no one–including the price of gasoline–until the next major natural disaster (Katrina?) or the next terrorist attack. At that point, everyone in Congress will claim they were against it all along.
5. Build More Nuclear Power Plants. I’m not saying this is a bad idea. It’s probably a good idea given the current situation regarding energy in the US. But will it bring down the price of oil and eventually gasoline? Not unless Ford or GM or Toyota starts mass producing electric cars that run on the power from the nuclear power plants.
6. Ignore the Railroads. Shipping goods and food across the US by truck is horrendously expensive even when gas is under $4 a gallon, but now that it’s sailing right past $4 a gallon (and diesel has been over $4 for months) it’s just plain nuts. There was a time in this country, and not that long ago either, when all this stuff was shipped by rail. Passenger train travel has already increased by as much s 30% in the a single year in many areas. By all means, don’t encourage any more of that.
7. Ignore Public Transit. This is America. Everyone is entitled to their own SUV, preferably a Hummer. By no means should we waste any time making public transit easy, cheap, and available.
8. Don’t Subsidize Alternative Energy. This year, while Congress was fighting over big issues and not accomplishing much except new mountains of pork, several tax cuts for things like buying hybrid cars and other forms of alternative energy were allowed to quietly expire. By all means keep this up and make it nearly impossible for ordinary people to generate their own energy off the grid using existing technology.
9. Keep Suing States that Pass their own Tougher Emissions Standards. Those upstart states! Who do they think they are anyway? Especially California, damn tree-huggers! Teach them a lesson and make them stick to the lazy federal standards until the whole country shuts right down. Show ‘em who’s boss!
10. Harass and Intimidate Green Groups and Protesters. These traitors obviously have no real concerns, so make sure to shut them up. Don’t let the American people know about what kinds of technology and ideas are out there right now, or the next thing you know they’ll be thinking we can actually live without oil.

November seems like an awfully long way away lately. I have noticed, however, that the American people are starting to disregard their fearless leader and take matters into their own hands, which is probably not a bad idea. Sales of small motorized bikes and scooters have jumped off the chart here, public transit and train usage is up dramatically, more people are biking or walking where they need to go, and just about every other person I know is thinking how to heat their home through the winter of ‘08 without home heating oil. What other options are there? People are finding out on their own, with little or no help from their government.

So keep it up, George. You’ve only got six interminable months left to secure your legacy.